Things Change Page 18
I want you to miss me because I know that I will miss you.
Love,
Johanna akajoha aka Star
EPILOGUE
NINE MONTHS LATER
The screen door slammed. I stepped out on the porch wearing a white sleeveless dress my parents had bought me for this graduation party. I watched as Paul pushed his blond hair out of his eyes as he slowed the car down and pulled into the driveway. He must have turned the volume up on the CD player to push the loud crashing sounds of Springsteen's "Thunder Road" through the open windows and out into the warm Michigan June twilight.
It would be my first time seeing Paul since that night nine months ago, just before my senior year started. I had avoided both going to Santi's and looking for black Firebirds. I had also avoided talking with my parents about the breakup. They had been right about Paul in some ways, but I could never let them know, at least not yet. Things were tense in our house through fall and winter, as my mother and I had silently agreed not to speak to each other. It wasn't stupid, like refusing to ask her to pass the salt at dinner, but my mother and I became strangers. But lately, we are starting to have conversations again rather than playing twenty questions. My hope, my brightest desperate hope, is that we will become friends somehow, someday. Maybe it will be when we both stop expecting me to be perfect. My experience with Paul certainly taught me that I was far from perfect and that in lots of things, like matters of the heart, being smart really doesn't help all that much.
"Paul, you're really here," I hugged him immediately as we met in the driveway.
"Thanks for the invite," he said, looking like he was trying to hold back his usual smirk.
"I'm so glad you made it." I said it and I meant it. I had gone back and forth, back and forth, about inviting him to my celebration of high school ending. I was going to Columbia University in New York to study journalism in the fall, not the University of Michigan to become an engineer like my father. My parents were disappointed in my choice, but they tried not to show it or be angry about it. They were learning to let go; now I needed to do the same.
Kara, Lynne, and Jackie and their dates all arrived early and stayed late. Mr. Taylor and Mr. Edwards were both there, and so were Pam and Dylan. While Pam and I never really became close friends again, it was important she showed. She and Dylan were in love, and both were going to school at Michigan State. Brad couldn't make it to the party; he was staying in California over the summer, but he sent a card and the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Everyone that mattered to me in high school was there, so Paul had to come. He was part of it, a good part for some time. I had loved him. Or thought I did. I still don't know, and I wonder sometimes if I ever will really know.
"I really can't stay," Paul said. He kicked his ankles together and pushed his hair back. It was as long as ever.
"That's too bad," I said sadly, looking past Paul out toward the Firebird. He was not alone. I knew better, but for a second I was jealous. "Doesn't your friend want to come in?"
Paul glanced back at the Firebird. The engine running, the music blaring. It now sounded like "She's the One." I hadn't listened to Springsteen for over eight months, so the songs were no longer burned in my brain like a personal party mix CD.
"No, we can only stay for a minute," he said.
Maybe this was my first test as an adult. "I'd like to meet her, really. I'd like to meet—"
"Sarah. She's a junior over at South High. I met her at work over at Wallie's. She's a hostess, and her dad is one of my managers," Paul said, his smile bright as ever.
I looked at the girl sitting in the Firebird with the multicolored hair wearing very dark sunglasses even in the twilight of the evening. "I'd really like to meet her."
Paul didn't move. "There is something I need to do first," Paul said. He nervously reached into the front pocket of his torn blue jeans and pulled out a small black box.
I looked quickly at the girl in the Firebird, then glanced at the box. "You really didn't—"
With a sense of urgency, Paul handed me the box. "Open it."
I looked inside. There was my silver star-shaped necklace. "Paul, this is—"
"That night, you know, in the car it got—" Paul said slowly. "It fell off by accident."
I took the necklace out. I didn't know what to say or do as Paul slipped his arms around my neck. He pushed my now short hair up as he fastened the clasp. Instinct washed over me. I turned to face Paul, then held him tightly. He turned his face away, resting his head on my shoulder, holding me tight. I didn't care if Marcus saw it; I would explain it to him later. He would understand; he had been a great boyfriend since we got together a few months ago. I will miss him when I go away to school in the fall.
As Paul held me, muscle memories, like dancing at the prom, like lying in bed together, all our good times, tugged at me. How had I been strong enough to pull away from this?
"Look, I really gotta go," Paul said, pulling away from me. "Sarah is waiting."
"I really would like to meet her."
As we walked toward the Firebird there was nothing but silence between us. At the car, Paul opened the door.
"Johanna, this is Sarah," Paul said.
Even with her eyes hidden behind sunglasses, she didn't try to make contact.
"Nice to meet you," Sarah said to me almost in a monotone. "Paul, we're late for that other party. Can we go?"
"Look, we really gotta hit the road," Paul said as he moved toward the other side of the Firebird.
As my eyes followed Paul I noticed he seemed to be keeping one hand on the hood of the car as if to keep his balance. My eyes quickly darted to the backseat; there was a pile of empty Stroh's beer cans. As the Firebird started to back out, I noticed that Sarah was taking off her sunglasses. Even from a distance I noticed Sarah's stunning green eyes, especially the one blackened by the back of Paul's hand.
The following is an excerpt of a conversation between Patrick Jones
and the tenth-grade students in Kim Powers and Laura Gajdostik's
Young Adult Literature class at Hudson High School, Wisconsin,
on his novelThings Change.
To read the interview in its entirety, visit
www.connectingya.com/thingschange
or
www.walkeryoungreaders.com
How did you think of the title of the book?
I always knew the "punch line" of the book: that Paul would not change. Given that, I wanted an ironic title. But more than that, what two-word expression could better define the world that teens live in than one where everything changes. Also, the title fits since just about everything except the first and last line did change as I rewrote the book.
What inspired you to write about a couple of teenagers?
Most of my work in libraries has been directly related to teens, from being a young-adult librarian to now working with teens in correctional facilities. Because of that, about the only fiction I read is young-adult literature. I find teens fascinating on so many levels. Here are these people, often treated by their parents or other adults as children, who obviously engage in adult activities. The conflicts of the teen years are so huge that I don't understand how anyone would not want to write about teens, and I can't imagine writing a book for adults.
Do you think teenagers can experience "love" or do they just think they are?
Of everything that Bruce Springsteen has written, these are the key lines from one of his all-time best songs, "Born to Run." He sings, "I want to know if love is wild. I want to know if love is real." I think both Paul and Johanna are asking themselves that same question: is this love real? Yes, teens do feel love, differently than adults, but an emotion so raw, so real, and for Johanna in particular, so overwhelming. Her heart rules her head, and that's really the central conflict in the novel. Yet, that love has consequences and it doesn't solve all of her problems; instead it creates a new set of issues for her. I think Paul in his own br
oken way does love Johanna, but can't get it right. I think every book I write for teens is going to be about passion, romance, sex, love—whatever you want to call it—because for teens it is all new, exciting, and consuming.
Where did you get all the ideas about dating and its controversies?
I was visiting a high school one day and saw this girl backed up against her locker. She had in her hands lots of big, thick textbooks, like Chemistry and Trig. A boy—I assume her boyfriend but couldn't know—was leaning against her, talking right into her face. I could tell she wanted to leave, but he was certainly bigger, probably stronger, and she was trapped. So the question I asked is one that all writers ask when they see something: how come? How did this smart girl get herself in this situation? She had to know better, so why was she letting herself be pushed around? After the book was almost done, I finally did some research about teen dating violence and found that I'd gotten almost every detail, every sign and symptom, right on for both Paul and Johanna. That scene later worked its way into the book directly—although Vickie was the girl pushed up against the locker, not Johanna.
Is it hard to make a character, such as Paul, so nice at times and so mean at others?
That's important to the story: if he's just an asshole, then people would think Johanna was stupid for falling in love with him. Readers—who more than likely are teenage girls themselves—have to find Paul likable, so they can understand why Johanna loves him and stays with him. Paul also needs to show both faces to Johanna: when he hurts her, he apologizes, buys her gifts, and is nice again. Sadly, that's the pattern of abuse. Also, most everyone has their good sides and bad. It's just that for Paul, the gulf between the two is huge. He's not a monster, but he does monstrous things. I think all teens have two sides—heck, look at Johanna, honor student by day, "visiting the grandparents by night"—but in Paul those two sides are intense. I think the cover of the book captures the two sides of Paul: those red drops are BOTH rose petals and blood drops.
Can you relate to Paul's life in any way?
Let's just say this: Paul is the worst version of myself at that age. One of my former high school teachers uses Things Change with her classes and recognizes me in some aspects of the Paul character. I did drive a black Firebird, for instance. I didn't listen to Springsteen however, being more into the Rolling Stones my junior year {Some Girls), the Who {The Kids Are Alright), and the beginnings of punk and new wave. So Paul's obsession with music is very familiar to me, even if the soundtrack is different. Nailed [my next novel] is much, much more like my high school years, and that's not necessarily a good thing for the main character! Oh, and I did wear tennis shoes to my prom.
Do you feel that this book helps change teens' perspectives on their lives?
A lot of people think if you write for teens that you owe it to them to teach a lesson, but I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Instead, I want to tell a story, and if teens find truth in the story and the characters, and thus change their perspectives, well, that's a good thing. That said, I've learned from lots of e-mails from readers, mostly teen girls, that the book helped them change not their perspectives but their lives. They've told me about an abusive boyfriend they've broken up with after reading Things Change, especially once they see the pattern of abuse that occurs in almost all cases of domestic violence. And I guess I did want to get teens thinking about letting their hearts overrule their heads, and how sexual involvement can complicate that. I'm not writing some anti teen-sex rant, but I am showing that the real consequences of sexual involvement for most teens is not getting pregnant or contracting an STD; it's what it does to your perspective. It changes everything.
Why do you have Paul write to his father?
That served lots of purposes. First, I wanted to have two points of view and this was a technique to get Paul's story, but more important, his backstory, into the text. There's a line from Springsteen's song "Adam Raised a Cain" that burned through all of these scenes—"You're born into this life paying for the sins of somebody else's past"—and I really wanted to explore the patterns of families. I also wanted to show that, for all Paul's extroverted behavior, he's a very damaged and isolated young man. I wanted to show him reaching for a connection in his life, if only from a dead man.
Why make the parent/child relationships the way they are? Why are Jo's parents so strict? Why did you decide to make Paul's mom a born-again Christian?
Of all the stuff in the book, I think one of the biggest points of contention between myself and my editor was over how the parents, in particular, Johanna's parents, were portrayed. My defense is simply: point of view. From the teen perspective, parents are more often villains than good guys. I wanted to show in Johanna a young woman controlled by her parents, thus it is only logical and tragic that her first significant relationship outside of her family is with another person who controls her. That is why Johanna must first "break up" with her parents before she can break up with Paul. Paul's mother had to be someone who was totally absent, and rather than have her be consumed by alcohol, I gave her religion.
Why did you have Johanna change her mind? Why didn't she leave him right away?
I actually got ripped in one review for Johanna not staying broken up with Paul after the first time he hit her. Obviously, this person had no understanding—or empathy—for women in abusive relationships. It is not easy for an adult woman to get herself out of such a situation, so how easy could it be for a teen without the same resources or experiences? I think it's implied that she tries to break up with Paul, but just can't stay away for all the obvious reasons. Also, she's got to fail at the breakup before she can go through with it for dramatic reasons, so the book doesn't end. That's the tension in the book: how will she get out of this situation?
Why did you have both Paul and Johanna tell the story rather than just one of them?
That's something going on in the book that I think a lot of people miss: you as the reader know a lot more of the bad stuff about Paul than Johanna does. Because you read his letters to his father, you get to see his anger, his drinking, and his past history, whereas Johanna doesn't know it. What I wanted by using the two points of view and letting readers learn Paul's secrets was for the reader to want to save Johanna. I want the reader to get emotionally engaged in the story and see Johanna as not so much a victim, but as a person who doesn't see there's an out-of-control car headed her way. The reader knows this and wants to pull her out of the way.
What caused Paul to become so abusive?
That's hard to say: he's grown up in an alcoholic and abusive household, so that's the world he knows. The tragedy of Paul's story is he knows this, wants to change, but cannot. He's locked into the patterns of the past. That's why I had him write the letters at a mini-storage facility filled with things from the past that neither he nor his mother can part with. Paul is abusive, he's insecure, he lacks impulse control, and he self-medicates his depression with alcohol. The primary fact of his life is that his father abandoned the family and put the weight of that on Paul's shoulders. That's why I named the mini-storage facility Atlas, after the Greek god who bore the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Why did you choose to make Bruce Springsteen Paul's favorite musician?
I'd like to say it was so I could write a check to Bruce Springsteen for the rights to use the words to "If I Should Fall Behind"—but that was only a side benefit. All the important stuff in a book has to work on more than one level. On one level, Bruce is the connection between Paul and his dad. The music has to be something his father could and would have listened to, and the things that The Boss writes about certainly would be themes that appeal to Paul's dad. More than that, the characters in Springsteen songs are true red-white-and-blue working class heroes, so they give Paul role models that are sadly lacking in his own life. Also, I wanted to show the obsession that teens have with music, but if I would have picked some contemporary band for Paul to worship, then that would really badly date the book (wh
ereas Springsteen is forever). Finally, the themes in Springsteen's songs are the very things I want to write about. Oh, did I mention getting to write the check?
What significance does aIfI Should Fall Behind" have?
While I did use lots of Springsteen lyrics, this was the only one I quoted in total. The theme of the song rips at Johanna's heart. The song is about two lovers and the realization that things go wrong in relationships ("each lover's steps fall so differently") but true love means waiting for one another. It is an idealized version of adult love and that's what Johanna aspires to. She thinks she's got to stand by Paul even through the bad times to achieve real love, but she finally learns she can't do that.
Why did you make your main character so poor?
I didn't think there were enough books about kids like Paul living on the very edge of poverty: living in trailer homes, single parent families, etc. I never want to write about teens (at least as the main characters) whose parents are doctors, lawyers, artists, etc. I want to write about working class kids in a country where the working class is disappearing. There are plenty of books, sadly and stereotypically, about black families who are poor and live in the "'hood" but not enough about kids who don't have nice clothes or new gadgets and don't drive SUVs. These kids need a voice.
When you were a teenager, what type of books did you read?
Not many, to be honest. I read magazines {Rolling Stone), the daily newspaper, and every magazine on professional wrestling, but not many books outside of school. I didn't read YA fiction, not because it wasn't around, but because I didn't know about it and I didn't have anyone—teachers or librarians—letting me know about it. I do recall reading Carrie by Stephen King (the first scene takes place in a girls' shower room; I was hooked) and then a book called Ball Four (Jim Bouton) which changed my life. I didn't really get hooked on reading for pleasure until after college when it was no longer something I had to do. But still today, the highlight of my week is when my Wrestling Observer newsletter arrives on Saturdays. That's entertainment!